Writing about Attention

[Warning: This post goes all over the place]

Such an enjoyable thing, isn't it?

Not sure how many agree, but there's something...magical about the way your thoughts condense themselves onto the screen/paper, preserved and kept for ages, and then, after a couple of weeks, months or even years, you look back and read those thoughts again; and thats when you start wondering

Who the heck is this guy!?

People change alot, huh?

Started writing TNN stories. Not sure if its a good idea though. I had plans, great plans, to bring what I felt was a nice difference to TNN. in a way, it made me feel like I was in a sense "part" of their group. Not that I'm entirely sure of the truth of that statement though.

Similarily, when I looked at the first chapter I wrote, and the one I'm writing now, I noticed a slight and subtle difference in writing. In a way what we write, especially amateur writers who just shoot off what ever's on their head, reflects our current state of mind. Gradually I think I'm stablilising my psyche, which could be a good sign. Ah well...let's just see where things go...

Still very nervous about people reading/watching me write stuff. I love it when people praise my work, yet somehow, there's this sense of guilt as well, because I know the flaws of it too. There is the saying "the creator is his/her own worst critic", I suppose its mainly because we have seen the process of building, and just as a mother sees her child grow up, a writer who sees his work develop knows all the strengths and weaknesses of his piece. However, a writer who constantly looks at the weaknesses will find himself unable to publish anything (mainly cause he's too busy trying to iron out the mistakes). Hence, there is this "line" of standard which most writers call it a day and submit their work.

And this is where the feedback comes in.

I can't elaborate how much i'm afraid of feedback. Its both terrifying and yet, like moths to a flame I keep getting drawn to it. I hate attention, in a way, yet at the same time I crave it. Rather, it can be said that the best joy I can derive is from watching people appreciate the works without knowing I did it. (Although this is at least half a lie)

Its not that I do not wish attention. I like people to give me credit. I want credit. Yet there is something inherently wrong, I feel, with doing things purely for credit. Someday I'll reach the point where I can create and work without worrying about such things, but that day is still far off. Until then, I shall contend myself with the subtle credit that is given occasionally, whenever people don't think I'm listening. The simple, unsaid knowledge that the person is doing his job, and doing it right.

Somehow I find that to be the most sincere praise one can ever have.